Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Bed Wetting

Once upon a time I was dating a man who spent the night at my apartment. At some point during the wee hours of the night I was awakened by him:

Him: 'Wake up, the bed is wet.'

Me: 'Huh?'

Since I was awakened from a deep sleep I was a little confused about why the bed would be wet. As I went to get out of the bed I realized that the back of my sweatpants and the back of the t-shirt I was wearing were soaking wet! Thoughts began to race through my mind:

'Did I pee on myself?', and if so, 'How the he@@ did that happen?!'

'Did the bladder from my water bed bust?' (yes, I still a water bed from the 90's)

'Did my lovable Shih Tzu decide to pee in the bed?'

About that time I looked at my Shih Tzu who was at the foot of the bed curled into a ball, also looking like he had been awaken from a deep sleep. He raised his little head and looked at me like 'Oh no, don't blame THAT on me! I've been down here at the foot of the bed ALL night.'

So then I began to think "Well if I didn't do it and my dog didn't do must be my overnight guest!'. As I slowly looked over at my overnight guest, I quickly realized who's bladder contents were on me, my sheets and my bed.

I tried to handle the situation as best I could and not make him feel any worse than he should about the 'accident'. He retreated to the living room like a child with his head hung low. I began to clean up the bed - where to even start? This was my first time (and hopefully last time!) with this experience.

I soon realized that even though I had removed the sheets, the mattress cover was SOAKED!

Me: 'Geez, how long had it been since he last urinated prior to this? How much liquid can one person's bladder hold?!'

I retrieved my cleaning products from under the kitchen sink and began dousing the mattress cover with all types of chemicals with the hope that I wouldn't have an even bigger problem later. Once I had satisfactorily cleaned the mattress cover, I then laid many towels on the cover to absorb the water (at least I was hoping water was the only wetness left!).

I then went to get my guest. As I walked to the living room I began to wonder what do I say to a grown man (age 40) who has peed in the bed for no apparent reason? Sure we had went to dinner earlier in the evening, but I didn't remember him having any alcohol, so it couldn't be blamed on drunkenness. What could be the reason for it?

It wouldn't be until sometime later that I finally realized the reason for the bed wetting overnight guest was a lying, cheating, manipulative person that was overly tired from his travels attempting to be Casanova to several women that lived in different cities. That particular night I think he was just so tired from his double life that he peed on himself (oh that's right, and me!). Once that was discovered, a group of innocent women had the last laugh together over a man who was weak in more ways than one!


Robin said...

That is the oddest story I've ever heard. But I do find it (satisfyingly) ironic that a man who apparently humiliates other people tends to get humiliated himself from time to time. There is justice in the universe.

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