Friends, How Many of Us Have Them?

So…

How many Facebook friends do you have?

How many Tweeps?

Some of you might remember that a couple of months ago I read the book ‘MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend. Ever since then I having been giving more thought to the dynamics of friendships and the type of relationships that I have with my friends.

Honestly, I think the term ‘friend’ is probably used a bit loosely nowadays. On Facebook, I have 380 ‘friends’. My ‘friends’ are a mix of family, work friends, real life friends, PINK friends, high school friends, and virtual friends. Within each of these sub groups are varying degrees of how close I am to each person in the specific group. For instance in my family group I have my immediate family, aunts, uncles and cousins, and then distant relatives.

When I first joined Facebook, I was very selective about who I accepted friend requests from. My sister would call me a Facebook Snob, and it was true. If I knew of someone in high school and we didn’t talk then, why would I want to be their Facebook friend 25 years later? Now I have loosened my friend requirements since I primarily use Facebook as marketing for my 3-Day Breast Cancer Walks. For the most part there aren’t any personal pictures of me or other friends, unless it’s something to do with me volunteering, training and walking in breast cancer awareness event. Every now and then I will allow someone to tag me in a picture (and I still reserve the final approval for that!).

As for Twitter…

I have 86 followers, which isn’t anything by Twitter follower standards. The main reason I joined Twitter was due to the 3-Day having a Twitter account (@the3day). This allowed me to follow each of the 14 3-Day walks, virtually cheer on the walkers and crew, and become more involved in the 3-Day community. And yes, I have a lot of Tweeps that I have no idea who they are, yet I feel like I know them in the virtual sense.

And then there are the blogs that I follow. Even though I follow over 70 blogs (I know, waaay too many!), there are only a handful that I look forward to reading on a daily basis. I feel like those bloggers are my ‘friends’ and I can’t wait to see what they will share next. (Maybe one day I’ll have hundreds of people following my blog too!)

Although I was kind of hard on the author of ‘MWF Seeking BFF’ with my initial thoughts, and what I thought was her pathetic and controlling search for a new BFF, the book helped me realize that I possibly take for granted my ‘meeting people’ skills (as she calls it). I guess some people have ‘it’ and some people don’t. For me, meeting people in person or via social media hasn’t been that difficult for me to do. I’ll just consider myself thankful and lucky for all of the ‘friends’ that I have!

MWF Doesn't Find BFF

Well, I finally finished reading MWF Seeks BFF. Being the nice person that I am, I think my initial thoughts about the book might have been a bit harsh. At least by the end of the book, the writer seemed like she became a bit more normal and less obsessive about her pursuit and expectations for friendship. The writer didn't find a new BFF although she did find about 22 new, solid friendships (according to her Dunbar Number calculations, she only had room for 20 more friends anyway). Moving on...

Overall the book left me very intrigued about friendships - how they develop, how they are maintained, and how they end. I think most people think that I'm a fairly like able person (of course I do have my moments!), and that I've never met a stranger (I think I have my dad to thank for this trait). A friend says it's because I smile a lot which makes me engaging to others (who knows). It's very easy for me to start a conversation with someone on just about anything.

On the flip slide I don't talk about myself very much. Although I'll admit that I'm an open book (just ask me anything you want to know and I'll tell you), in the same breath I'll say that I'm also a very private person. (If you're not directly asking me something about me, I'm probably not voluntary telling you what you want to know). I can still remember participating in a team building exercise at work. One person who I considered a work friend said "Shannon knows a lot about me, but I hardly know anything about her. She has a way of turning the conversation around to make it all about me." And she was right.

In light of my shortcomings (believe me, the list is long), I still don't have a problem meeting people. After reading MWF Seeks BFF, I think making friends is a more conscious effort for some people than others. My biggest problem is developing friendships with people that I meet. Part of this I blame on my career choice (traveling for weeks at a time can make it difficult to give a new friendship the attention that it needs) and the other part is that I don't have a big desire to find 52 (or even 22) new friends like the writer of the book did.

I'm sure if I figured out my Dunbar Number, there's probably room for more friends in my life. Maybe I should figure out what that number is. Well, one day...

MWF Seeks BFF

The theme for this month's NaBloPoMo is 'relative' and the focus on relationships. Although I might follow the daily prompts for writing, I'm also thinking about writing about some topics from a book I have been reading, MWF Seeks BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Bestfriend by Rachel Bertsche. And probably from the title you've figured out what the book is about. Basically the writer has relocated to Chicago with her husband and well, doesn't have any friends (OK, friends who live in the Chicago area).

I thought the book would be kind of lighthearted, but it is laced with a LOT of scientific data about friendships and the research the writer has conducted. Who knew? I mean, who knew that it's soooo much work to make friends? Similar to the writer, I have relocated to several different states since I've been an adult. And I can't say that making friends has been that difficult for me.

Other than the scientific data, the writer also seems to be a bit, well needy. She sets up 'friend dates' and over analyzes them before the 'date' even happens. Like, "Julie is 40 and has two kids so I don't think she will make a good BFF." Seriously? And even if she doesn't hit it off with the potential friend, she's disappointed when the person doesn't respond back to her follow up emails. I mentioned that the writer is married, and I certainly feel for her poor husband who is on the journey (not his choice) with her. Oh, I forgot to mention that the writer's goal is to go on one friend date a week for a year. So far, I'm only about half through the year in this (long, drawn out) process.

Although the book makes me frustrated at times, whenever I start a book I have to finish the book. Hopefully by time I reach the end of the book, Rachel will find a new BFF and I will learn more about my friendships too.

The Bachelor

One of my guilty pleasures is the ABC reality TV show The Bachelor (and of course The Bachelorette!). I started watching the reality series because I was intrigued with the concept of a person finding love from a pool of 25 potential members of the opposite sex that had been hand chosen for that person. Being a single female I thought the concept was a great way to narrow the playing field to find true love.

I honestly have to admit that the first few series I watched of The Bachelor that I honestly believed in it. I really cheered for the women and felt my heart melt once The Bachelor gave his final rose and true love was found (and did I mention an engagement ring too?).

But then somewhere along the line I guess the reality set in for me. How could I not see that this show was just an opportunity for someone to date 25 women (or men) at one time? The lucky Bachelor gets to go on fabulous one-on-one dates, two-on-one dates, and sometimes even group dates. It is amazing that somehow he kisses woman after woman and none of women seem to have a problem with it. And as the playing field narrows down to a few select candidates that he 'thinks he is really falling for' there is always the option to spend the night in a fantasy suite (Hmmm...I don't think it takes too much thought about what really goes on in the fantasy suite!).

This past week one of the contestants had to choose between staying on the show and her career. (It's important to point out that this same scenario happened on the last series so it is time for the producers to come up with a new angle...yawn). Although she was a top pick of mine, I really couldn't believe how much time was spent agonizing over her choice. Ok, I am a true romantic at heart, but...if it came down to me continuing on a reality TV show or my career, I think the choice would be fairly easy. (Certainly I know that things happen, but wouldn't she of made certain she had off all the time that she needed to be on the show? Oh that's right! This is reality TV!)

As much as The Bachelor has made me think twice about women finding true love on the series, I'll still be tuned in next week to see what happens!

An Afternoon With My Goddaughter

The other day my 8 year old goddaughter and I had an outing to a local mosaic studio Smashing Times. The first time we went was a couple of years ago and she absolutely loved it! She is sooo creative and it amazes me how quickly she can come up with an idea and then BANG! she has created something!

Me on the other hand...I want for whatever I am going to make to be perfect. (Well, as close to perfect as I can get it.) I want to pick the right project, the right color tiles, and the right placement of the tiles. While I was sitting there contemplating life, my goddaughter was a third of the way finished with her project. Needless to say, I didn't do a project on this outing!

After we were finished we stopped by Sonic because it was Happy Hour! And if you don't have a Sonic in your area...Happy Hour means that all drinks and slushes are half price everyday from 2 pm - 4 pm. (Certainly you didn't think I would take an 8 year old to a real happy hour, did you?) Her drink of choice was a Green Apple Slushie and mine was a Strawberry Lime Aid Slushie - yum!

On our way back to her house she said 'Auntie, I used to think that you were my fairy godmother and not my godmother.' (Yes, I do remember her telling people that but honestly I thought she knew what the difference was)

She went on to say 'I used to think that you could fly places.' (Yes, I do remember her asking me about flying. Just when I thought we were joking about flying, I guess she was serious!)

The more I spend time with my goddaughter she reminds me of things that are important in life: laughing, having fun and believing in oneself. Sometimes I get so caught up in the busyness of the day and forget about the things that should be important, not the things that I have no control over or cannot change that I let dictate my life.

Up in the Air

I recently had the opportunity to see the newly released holiday movie Up In the Air starring George Clooney. I'll be honest, George Clooney is pretty easy on the eye but he wasn't the reason for me wanting to see this movie. When I first saw the previews I thought 'This movie kinda sort of sounds like my life!'.

George Clooney's character, Ryan Bingham, is a corporate downsizer and business traveler. Ryan is constantly on the road traveling from city to city, living out of a suitcase and racking up frequent traveler points from various travel reward programs (airlines, rental car companies, hotels, etc.).

I work for a large insurance company in a department that handles catastrophic weather related events for my company. Like Ryan, I travel a LOT for my company...I am on the road about 8 - 9 months out of the year, travel from city to city, and spend most of my time living out of a suitcase. Fortunately I am not threatening other people's livelihoods due to corporate downsizing, but hopefully I am assisting to get their lives back on track after the damage they have sustained.

The following are some similarities between Ryan Bingham and I:

1) Travel Rewards - Although Ryan is a member of just about every travel program out there, his main goal was to reach 10,000,000 frequent flier miles with American Airlines.

Although I fly commercially I don't think (and hope!) that I will ever reach 10,000,000 frequent flier miles! On the other hand I am a member of many travel reward programs. My big one is Marriott Rewards. Friends and family never have to worry about paying for a hotel stay since I have more points than I'll ever use.

2) Family - Ryan is viewed as an outsider by his family. His younger sister is getting married and has chosen her future husband's uncle to walk her down the aisle.

Sometimes I feel like an outsider to my family. This past Christmas was the first time I had been home to see them in a year. Many will think 'What's the big deal?'. The big deal is that me and my family are very close and it just isn't acceptable to only see them once a year.

3) Nomads - Ryan loves (and mean LOVES!) being on the road. When his job is threatened by technology I could tell that he was really pained about returning to a 'normal' life that didn't involve travel. At one point I believe he said that he was more comfortable on the road than he was at home - never mind that home for Ryan is a sparsely furnished one bedroom apartment.

I too love the sense of adventure with traveling to a new city and seeing parts of the country that I would never have any reason to go to - like Bismark, North Dakota for example. When I first took my current position my life was in a bit of flux...someone that I loved more than life itself had died and I found myself losing my way. This job allowed me to hide and not face the realities that I needed to face.

4) Love - During the course of the movie, Ryan meets a woman (of course there has to be a love story in there!). She is just like him in regards to traveling. But for the first time, I believe Ryan really begins to open his heart and his life to let someone else in.

For so long I have used my job as a shield to hide behind from the realities of life. I have a feeling that there are some wonderful possibilities out there for me to find balance in my life. I might just be ready to hang up my travel wings too! Well, maybe...

Thanksgiving Is What You Make It

This year I spent Thanksgiving away from from my family due to my current work assignment. I am uncertain what made this year different as I haven't always spent Thanksgiving with my family. But for a reason that I cannot put my finger one, I really wanted to share this Thanksgiving with my family.

Maybe it was knowing that my office wasn't going to do anything special to recognize the holiday. I mean when it is less than 24 hours to the holiday and talks are just beginning about 'What should we do for the office?', anything that was going to be organized for 125 people should have happened well before then.

A few good friends that I know were on this assignment with me. For some of us it had been awhile since we had last seen one another. The next thing I knew a plan was in place to go to Ruby Tuesday for lunch. Ruby Tuesday was having a holiday meal - roasted turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, and sugar snap peas. So off we went. And you know what? The meal was really good! But what I think was even better was the company.

We talked about our job and how it take us away from the people we love in addition to making us desensitized to the fact of there even being a holiday to celebrate. How everyday is just another day unless we are at home and able to celebrate with our families. But on the flip side, here we were celebrating the holiday together as friends who were reunited on this assignment and making the best of it. We shared some laughs and funny holiday stories. We even left there with our bellies full (minus the sweet potato and pecan pie!).

Later two of us decided to see a movie after work. Although it wasn't the movie I would have picked (more about the movie in another post), it was still good to continue the day with someone else and not just return to my hotel room. It reminded me of last year when I did spend Thanksgiving with my family and we went to see a movie Thanksgiving evening.

As my friend and I parted ways for the evening, I found myself commenting that the day had been far better than I expected it to be. I had the chance to fellowship with good friends throughout the day. Most importantly, I didn't feel alone. Although I didn't spend the my family, I spent the day with my adopted family of friends who I chose to spend the day with. Things didn't turn out so bad after all!

Why Can't The Past Stay In The Past?

According to Wikipedia, 'the past is a portion of time that has already occurred; it is the opposite of the future; it is regarded as the conglomerate of events that happened in a certain point in time'.

As hard as I try to keep the past in the past, it always seems like the past wants to find a way to come to the present. Certainly my present is much better than my past. Could it be better because the past is not a part of my present? Honestly, I can see why the past would like to become a part of my world.

But, if the past stopped to think about why it is in the past, wouldn't it realize that it was never meant to be in my future? Hence the reason it is in the past where it rightfully belongs.

My Inner Voice

I would like to say that I give people the benefit of the doubt. But I don't.

I would like to say that I trust people until they give me a reason not to trust them. But I don't.

I would like to say that I can forgive and forget. But I don't.

I can admit that I am one of the most difficult and complicated people that I know. To be honest, if I wasn't me I don't know know if I would like me.

One of the greatest gifts I have been given is my inner voice. It speaks to me on a daily basis, but many days I choose not to hear it. It is the voice of caution and reason that protects me from so many things that I am unaware of. Many times I don't understand the reason I am so guarded with my thoughts and feelings, but my inner voice does.

I want to believe that one day I can be a trusting and forgiving person, but my inner voice constantly tells me, and then shows me that this can never be.

And with this, I am fine.

Did I Really Want to Know?

Do you ever find yourself asking someone a question that 1) you already know the answer to or 2) don't really care what their answer will be?

Although I believe that I am a very self aware person, I feel it is important to solicit feedback from other people from time to time. I found myself faced with this age old question yesterday while 'speaking' with a friend online. To be honest, I didn't know if this friend would be honest with me or not. So I took a chance and threw a question out there to see what would happen.

I think he jumped at the chance to tell me what I could do differently in romantic relationships. (Note: He is a work in progress and I have a much longer list for him if he ever wants to know how he can improve...but that is another topic for another time!) He came up with two things: stop being so (actually he typed 'sooooooooooooo') defensive and be a little more understanding.

Since I didn't know what he meant about being defensive, I asked for an example. Although he provided an example I didn't think it was a very good one. But, since I had asked the question (or maybe I was beginning to pick option #2 from my original question to you) I decided this wasn't the time for me to critique his example. I later determined that his example was accurate (see option #1) but 'defensive' was the incorrect noun to use.

Once we finished IM'ing I did take time to think about what he shared. And guess what? I was already aware of the things he shared with me so it wasn't any type of big revelation. But it did kind of hurt to know that someone else views these things as shortcomings of mine. Now the question is 'Do I really want to change?'.

The Doghouse

A male friend that has discriminating taste shared this video clip with me. I figured that since men need all of the assistance that they can get, I had to do my part and share the knowledge. Hell, some won't even get it with this video...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_F2md4uGmMU

An Hour to Live, An Hour to Love: The True Story of the Best Gift Ever Given

Yesterday as I was wondering aimlessly through Target, I came across a book entitled, 'An Hour to Live, An Hour to Love'. The book is co-authored by Richard and Kristine Carlson (the man who wrote all of the 'Don't Sweat the Small Stuff' books).

I have to admit that the title alone caught my attention - many of you know that I am a hopeless romantic! The book is a wonderful, true story about Richard's love for his wife and what he would do if he only had an hour to live. What is ironic about the story is that it was written on Richard's 18th wedding anniversary as a gift to his wife, and 3 years before he suddenly died on a business trip.

For the past few weeks, I have been re-evaluating my life and trying to find more balance in it - balance between my job and the relationships in my life that are important to me. I am sad to say that I have allowed some of my personal relationships to suffer due to my career choices. This book helped to reaffirm for me that I need to actively pursue getting the balance back in my life.

If I knew that I only had an hour left to live, I wouldn't want to spend that hour trying to make telephone calls to my family and friends to let them know how I feel. I want them to always know how I feel about them, and starting today I am going to start doing a better job of that!